I look down at the tiny pebbles surrounding my feet.  My toes contain blisters and callouses, bleeding from the long trail that I have treaded to get here.  I sense the sweat dripping down my forehead and the air in my lungs entering and exiting my body.  My hands tightly grip the scroll prophesizing that I come here- the scroll that would determine the fate of the world and me.

My body stands here on the top of this hill, but my mind still resides and lives everlasting from the moment that I received the scroll.  We all heard the news of the world dying, the universe’s collapse, the end of human civilization, the end of animals and plants and bacteria and fungi- the end of everything.  

I walk to the edge and stare at the bottom.  I spot the bottomless pit, the pit to space, the pit to the edge of the earth.  This is it, this is what I need to do- for the fate of humanity, for my family, for the world.  

I feel my body tense up.  This can’t be that hard.  It’s just one death for the fate of billions.  Trillions if you include bugs and everything.  Stop being a coward, this is what you need to do- what you MUST do.

I sit down on the edge- maybe that’ll be easier than jumping?  Maybe I can just accidentally fall or something, that could be easier. Perhaps that could make sure that I don’t somehow mess this up.  

As I face towards the pit, I close my eyes to feel the wind blowing across my face and hair.  My body shivers from head to toe- I can’t tell if that’s from anticipation or from not bringing a coat.

I think back to the day I received the scroll.  The dreams haunted me for days following the news of the end, but I assumed it was nothing- until that wretched piece of paper appeared in my hands stating that it was me that could change the fate of the world.  Holding my exact name, birthdate, height, immediate family members, and the day I would need to go and sacrifice myself.  

At first, I tried to throw it away, maybe this was a sick joke or a figment of my imagination- but then it just kept appearing and coming back to my hand over and over and over again.  I knew what I had to do- I know what I must do now, I must save my family, my brother, my mom, my dad, my best friend, my niece, my nephew- the world.  It must be me.

So why is this so difficult, why can’t I do it?  Am I really this selfish?  One life, just one.  I can do this.  I must do this.

I open my eyes and get up to walk to the edge.  This is it, these are my final moments.  Perhaps I’ll be known for something, and they’ll put my name in future textbooks for this.  The girl who saved humanity.  

Why don’t I do a countdown?  I count down from 3- no that’s too fast, how about 10?  No, too long.  Okay, seven.  Seven is a good number.  Seven.

Okay.

I close my eyes.

Seven.  Six.  Five.  Four.  Three.  Two-

What makes you assume that your life is less worthy than the world?

I open my eyes to search for who had spoken.

I look up to see a being staring at me.  I cannot tell what it is or describe any of its features in a remotely understandable way.  It is surrounded by a glow, but I cannot tell what shade, color, or hue the glow is.  The being is surrounded by hundreds of millions of billions of eyes- or perhaps it is blind.  

I stare blankly at the being, but I do not feel afraid.  I feel as though it understands me- or perhaps it is a part of me, I can’t tell.  It certainly seems monstrous, but I don’t think it has any ill will.  In fact, in a way, it seems beautiful.  Glorious and ethereal even.

I finally gain the sense of awareness to respond back.

“Who, who are you?  What are you?”

The being does not seem to move, and I visibly see its mouth, but I hear its response in my head.

My name is *&{“”””}}||||~~`.  I am a being higher than humanity, but you do not have an English name for it; however, that is not relevant to my purpose for being here now.

It responds its name in a language that I cannot humanly comprehend, using a dialect and vocabulary that I do not understand, but it seems as though this name has power behind it.

You have still not answered my question.  

I blink a few times and remember what it had asked.  

“Well, um- it’s just a matter of numbers.  I am nothing compared to the lives of billions, trillions.  One sacrifice will mean nothing for the fate of humanity.”

It continues to respond in my head despite not moving an inch of its mouth.

On earth, the death of a queen bee will destroy an entire colony.  The death of a mother will destroy its infant with nobody to take care of it.  All deaths matter in some way.

I frown.

“Well I suppose, but I’m not a queen, mother, or anything remotely similar to that.  I’m just a normal person.  My death will not destroy anyone.  Sure, my loved ones will be sad, but they’ll be able to move on.”

What makes you assume that a normal person’s death is less valuable than the death of a queen?  Will the death of one bee not still affect its loved ones and even the queen for knowing that she held responsibility over the bee?  A queen may have more to look over, but in the end, a queen is just, what you claim as, a normal person.”

I grow irritated.  Why is this being trying to debate something this ridiculous, I’m trying to save billions, trillions.  This is insane, this isn’t even a debate.

“I guess, but one compared to billions or trillions won’t matter.  You’re talking about bees, animals, but this is humanity!  How will humanity be affected by the death of just me, people die every day- one more and so many lives are saved.”

Are you claiming that the lives of bees and other animals are inferior to the lives of humans?  A key detail that humans seem to forget often is that humans are a type of animal as well.  We all have the same kind of cells, we all think and communicate and feel.  

Now it seems as though it’s twisting my words.

“No”, I begin, “Animals aren’t inferior to humans.  I just think that animals are more connected and grouped together, while humans are separated- we don’t care about each other, we are selfish beings.  Animals are better than us in some ways, they care about each other.  Hell, if humanity cared about each other, maybe this apocalypse wouldn’t happen, maybe we would have solved the issue decades ago, but instead, this is happening now.”

If you believe that humans are inherently selfish, then why go to all of this trouble to save them?

“Because I don’t want my family to fucking die, that’s why!  I want my brother to see his kids grow up and get their driver’s licenses and drink a shot with him on their twenty-first and dance with him at their wedding.  I want my parents to smile with my grandparents whilst looking over their wedding pictures, I want them to laugh at how stupid my brother was when he puked on his suit during prom, I want them to sing at their 50th anniversary and spend so many more years laughing and crying and singing and dancing.  I want my best friend to get married to her stupid girlfriend and act all mushy about it and spend decades together in love because they are in love.  They taught me that modern love is real just by the way they look at each other and hold each other in their arms and how they are there for each other even in the worst times.  I want all of them to just live.  If they need to live, I have to do this, I have to.”

The being seemed to pause for a second, as if it was thinking.

You say that humanity is inherently selfish, yet you are willing to risk the joy of yourself being in all of these memories, the joy of your family’s loving presence and comfort, all of it in order to save them.  That seems like quite the opposite of selfishness to me.

I feel my head fuming.  Why is it still debating this?  Why does it keep torturing me like this, what does it want from me?

My throat begins to lump up and my eyes begin to water. 

Have you told your loved ones that you are here now?

I feel my heart drop.

My hands release from the tight fist that they were gripped in.  I didn’t even realize that I had them clenched. 

I do not speak.

You do not want to hurt them.  You do understand that they will feel your absence and be hurt, yes?

I find my mouth unable to move, the lump in my throat just seems to get bigger by the second.  The being seems to notice this.

I recognize that you have left them a note and a copy of the scroll for them to read so that they can understand and receive a form of…closure as you call it.  Yet you have not spoken to them.  You know that they will try to stop you from doing this.

I feel angry again.

“Well how can they be a judge of my character, how can they decide whether I live or die, that’s not their choice, they can’t change fate and destiny, they aren’t gods!”

Is that not what you are doing now?  

I stare at it.

Are you not acting as a judge for the world, deciding whether or not they should live or die?  Are you not attempting to change fate by sacrificing yourself?  Who states that you are allowed to choose whether the world should live or die?  Is that really your decision to make?

I don’t know how to respond.  The being is right, I am not God, but I don’t want my family to die.  It’s not my choice to decide whether the world lives or dies, but it is my choice whether I die or not.

Yes, you are correct, it is your decision to live or die, your death here will save the rest of the world, but it is not your judgment that can decide whether the world is worthy to survive or not.

Let me ask you a question.  You state that your life and death will be insignificant, but if it was, why would you be here now?  Your death and life will affect billions, trillions, as you phrase it.  You are a human being, and that in itself is significant.  You fought billions just to receive the beauty of life, of being born.  

I finally feel the tears flooding down my face, the ones that had been waiting to arrive since I had gotten to this hill.

“Why are you here?  What is the purpose of all of this, aren’t I supposed to die?  Why are you trying to convince me not to?  What is this all even for?”

The being finally moved slightly.  I could not tell what it did, but I think that it seemed to smile in a way.  I hadn’t noticed how familiar the being seemed- it felt as if it knew that I would say that.

I am simply here to show you that you have a choice and that it is not an easy one.  There is no morally right or wrong decision, there is only the one that you decide to make.  Nobody is supposed to die- yes, we all leave the world just like we entered it, but we are not born in order to die, we are born to live our lives to the fullest.  I have not stated that I am trying to convince you not to sacrifice yourself, I am only here for you to see both sides.  So, what choice will you decide to make?

I think about all the future memories that I want my loved ones to make.  The future moments of joy, laughter, pain, love, hatred, friendship, forgiveness, the emotions that make us human.  I don’t want them to miss them.  But those memories will never truly be the same without me, I can lie to myself but in their minds, those joyful memories will always be different without me there practicing those alongside them.  Those human memories will remain tainted.  

There is no right or wrong decision, there is just a decision to be made.  

As I wipe away my tears, I come to terms and begin to smile.  I am significant, I am here for a reason, and my decision matters.  It is not good or bad, but it has power.  

I take a deep breath as I come to terms with what I have decided.  I understand now.

I look up at the being and give it a small smile of gratitude.