I called you today

I dont really know why

I was just going to ask you how you were doing

Or ask you if you were doing okay

Something like that

Im not sure

To be completely honest, i just wanted to hear your voice

I had never realized 

That i would prefer arguing with you

Than not hearing from you at all

You didnt answer

You were probably busy or something

Which is fine, it makes sense,

And i didnt know what to do

I lied

Said it was a mistake

I called you by accident

And i think some part of me

Hoped that you would know it was a lie

And worry

That you would break the rule

And call to ask if im okay

Or ignore the text

Pretending that you didnt read it

Just to “answer the call”

We wouldnt even need to talk for that long

We could just say hi

Just anything really

Just an “oh my bad”

Anything

But instead you didnt

You believed it

Come on, you couldn’t have possibly have done that

It’s the stupidest lie in the book

So easy and simple

And you really just said okay?

I know i said

That we’re supposed to not talk

And im stubborn

But is this not killing you too

Do you not feel your heart ripping apart every single second

And feel so unbelievably hollow every single minute that you are gone?

Do you not feel that  ginormous lump in your throat all of the time

In hopes that we could say a single word to each other?

Yes im stubborn

But you could have called

Just to ask if i was alright

Even just a simple hello could work

Telling me about something that annoyed you

Or a new ice cream flavor

I think right now i would kill

Just for you to talk about some stupid league of legends game

Hell

You could even talk about your drywall

But you didnt

Why?

Do you really follow the rules that strictly?

Did you truly not feel the tears that fell on my phone screen

When i typed that message saying that i called by accident?

Did you not feel weird when i took multiple minutes after the call to type that?

How would i even call you by accident?

Do you think im stupid?

We hadnt messaged in days

Or called in fact

So there would be no way that you could be

In my recent calls

And there would be zero possibility

That i could accidentally click on it

Maybe you know

Maybe you know in your heart that it wasn’t an accident

But was your brain not screaming at you 

To call me back?

If i called you

And broke the rule

Wouldn’t that give you permission to do the same?