I have been told that I do not attempt to process emotions

Unless they are standing directly in front of me

I process sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness

But what about guilt?

I went through a whole spiritual awakening recently

I was sitting on a bus

And suddenly felt this extreme feeling of gratitude and joy

Like I had never felt before

I like to think that I’ve changed

But I can’t stop thinking of this thing I did a month ago

I tell myself that I no longer care

I go with the flow, let things be, it is out of my hands

I did something hypocritical

I gave definitive proof that I do still care

Guilt forms small bubbles in the back of my head

Yet needles are just too expensive

There is no confession to give

I did not do something terrible, it is not something laced with anger

But I still denied the quota, I still stuck my hand in the jar

I still looked for definitive proof that I would get what I wanted

I am okay with and I am okay without

I say that and for the first time I mean it

But how do I deal with the feeling of knowing that

There was a period where that wasn’t true? 

I am afraid that I care

I don’t stalk, I don’t follow, I don’t discuss, I don’t write poems 

But after all this time

This is the fingerprint left at the crime scene

I have always been a control freak

I fear the unknown and get angry when I spill my drink

How do I get rid of the knowing that something is about to happen

And, despite all, continue to give my glass of hope to the sky?