When I was sixteen I dreamt of love

My dreams contained thoughts of dates, 

romance, kissing, holding of hands

Crying, screaming, love notes, anger

Pain, rage, indents on my palms

From squeezing my fists so unbelievably tight

Whilst keeping my mouth closed shut

I dreamt of emotions that I was feeling

Of emotions that I wished to have

Of emotions that I would never pray

My worst enemy could understand

And emotions that I said I didn’t want

But secretly craved to experience

Six pillows of support felt so unbelievably suffocating

Stuffed so close together with barely any room to breathe

That I hadn’t even considered it could feel even more isolating

When it became five

I’ve always been bad at verbal speech

It was as though I would talk so much

Yet not say a single thing at all

So I wrote

Up and down my little pen traced my small black notebook

Blisters formed on my finger as I wrote again and again

What I said and what I didn’t, 

What I wished I would say and what I hoped I would not

Inside my book held screams and tears and pain

Hopes and wishes and dreams

Pieces I would never show anyone

At the age of eighteen I felt alone again

My lonesome journal was no longer enough

So in typical cheesy form, I took a chance and did something new

I got up out of bed and headed out the door

and sought out a ragtag group of writers 

to spill out our sorrows on parchment

Without the devastating fear of judgement and further misery 

It’s funny

At 21 I have felt all of the things that I wrote about at 16

The things that I wanted to feel, the things that I didn’t

The things that I wished for, and the things that I hated

I found love and I found heartbreak

I found friends and I found foes

I’ve cried and screamed

Teardrops have fallen onto my journal

And yelps of pain I could never share

Have shaken me to my very core

But what I didn’t expect

Was I would not face this alone

My poems of despair had an audience

My short stories “not about me”

Were all heard and internalized by others

When I plunged into the water 

I did not realize that others were waiting 

for me to dip my toe in first

The love that I idolized and craved so deeply

Was not something I had to search for

My loneliness was no longer there

For even though I still had pain sometimes

I knew someone was listening

So,

As I share my bedtime story

And lay the blanket down

Getting things ready for a bright new day tomorrow

Maybe every once in a while

A sweet dream of yesterday will pass by

Or I’ll get a light tap on the shoulder

To ask for a glass of milk

But otherwise

We will all wake up refreshed and excited

As the sun rises along a burnt orange horizon